Things are just kind of standing still, or that's what I feel like. I am up then down. Angry and sad. Hope seems to be the farthest feeling right now. The aftermath of the holidays sucks. At least I had something to look forward to by my siblings coming in for Christmas but once they're gone, it's back to reality. For those few days you have something in common with someone. An absence that no one else could really understand. It's comforting. Of course Meredith has been supportive and she's just really a trooper. She's really my one and true love. She has been at the front lines since the beginning and still continues to fight with me to get through this. I often wonder what my life would be like if I didn't have her here. Not as easy. As days pass by, details of my situation seem much more clear. It's a bad thing and a good thing. But one thing remains, the hurt.
After confirming with my brother about going back out to San Francisco, I decided to book a flight out for this weekend. I think it's what I need. I wish mere could come but she can't. My schedule for work is flexible so I could make such a trip in such short notice. I also want to see my brother and his girlfriend since they were unable to make it back to CT for christmas. Either way, it's a break. I'm going back to a place where I felt so lost once upon a time, the year I spent there forcing myself to stay because I had to grow as a person. A place I once hated so much because it wasn't "home." Now I'm going back to because in the madness of all this, it's comfortable for me.
Mail still comes for my mom, brochures, L.L Bean and such. For some reason, I find comfort in those stupid brochures because they say her name on it. I take a moment to look through them and throw them in the pile of mail I should probably go through and get rid of. I find comfort in talking about the funny things she used to say and about our drives to Costco. She'd always say to me, "Don't come over to my house and steal my toilet paper. Go buy your own." She used to buy things in bulk so why not spread the wealth?
My mom wasn't the type of person to ever say that she needed help or wanted me to come hang out. That wasn't her style. But there was this unspoken understanding between the both of us that we loved each others company. Any opportunity I had to be with her, I took because for once in my life, before my mom died, I felt as though she finally started to look at me as an adult. Maybe that's what hurts the most, we finally had a relationship that I wanted. Maybe that's all she needed to let go because she knew I was going to be ok.
I have dreams about her. Dreams that she's here. Dreams of her smiling. Sadness and helplessness set in as I wake and come to, but in a way I got to see her and that's ok. I've been questioning my faith a lot. Always asking if I'll ever be with her again, if she knows how much I miss her, how much we all miss her. My life is far from easy right now, I'm moving forward slowly with the help of loved ones but this is a work in progress. I am a work in progress.
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